bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I AM VODKA MAN
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
