In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
zippers are such a cool invention
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
