my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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