It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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