I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
