If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
