if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
