This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
