did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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