dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
