Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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