I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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