Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
