I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
