I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
