Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
