cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
