I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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