I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
