U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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