I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
