Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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