i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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