I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
