Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Life is so much better after having sex.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
