bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
