So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
