I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
