sarcasm needs its own font
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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