You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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