How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
