Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
