I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
