did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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