There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
