Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
