I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
