are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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