dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
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