Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
