now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
