How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
