fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
