He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
