Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
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