Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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