good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
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