Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
