The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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