flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
