no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
